When Someone You Love Drinks

Loving someone who drinks too much is exhausting. You may lie awake waiting for the car in the driveway. You may make excuses to their boss, hide the car keys, or count the bottles in the recycling. You may swing between anger, fear, guilt, and hope, sometimes in a single evening.

If that sounds familiar, this guide is for you. It covers what tends to help, what usually makes things worse, how to take care of yourself, and what to do if things become unsafe.

First: It Isn't Your Fault

Families often believe that if they were calmer, more patient, or better at managing things, the drinking would stop. It won't. Al-Anon, the support group for families and friends of alcoholics, sums this up as the "three Cs":

• You didn't cause it.
• You can't control it.
• You can't cure it.

That doesn't mean you're powerless to do anything. It means your energy is better spent on what you can actually change: your own responses, your boundaries, and your own well-being.

Signs Drinking Has Become a Problem

You don't need a diagnosis to be worried. Common signs include:

• Drinking more often or more heavily than before, or starting earlier in the day
• Broken promises to cut down or stop
• Hiding alcohol or lying about how much they drink
• Problems at work, with money, or with the law
• Mood swings, irritability, or blackouts
• Shaking, sweating, or anxiety when they haven't had a drink
• Giving up activities and people they used to care about

Our guide Am I an Alcoholic? lists the questions doctors and AA members use. It can help you put words to what you're seeing.

What Tends to Help

Talk when they're sober

Conversations during or after drinking almost always go badly. Pick a calm time, ideally when they're sober and you're not in the middle of a fight.

Be specific and use "I" statements

"You're a drunk" invites a fight. "When you drank at Sam's birthday and fell asleep at the table, I felt embarrassed and scared" is harder to argue with. Describe what happened and how it affected you, without labels.

Notice and reward the good moments

Research on an approach called CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) has found that families can improve the odds their loved one accepts help, often more than with confrontational "interventions." A core idea is simple: make sober time noticeably better. Spend time together when they're sober, and step back from the fun when they're drinking. Many therapists and counselors are trained in CRAFT and can coach you through it.

Let natural consequences happen

Covering for someone, by calling in sick for them, paying their bills, or cleaning up after a binge, often makes it easier to keep drinking. Stepping back can feel cruel. It's often one of the most loving things you can do.

Have help ready

When the door opens, even a little, it helps to have a next step ready: a doctor's appointment, a treatment program's phone number, or the address of an open AA meeting they could attend. The SAMHSA helpline, 1-800-662-4357, can help you find treatment options, free and confidentially.

What Usually Makes Things Worse

• Arguing with someone who's been drinking. Nothing gets resolved, and things can escalate.
• Threats you won't follow through on. They teach the other person your limits don't mean much.
• Pouring out alcohol or demanding they quit overnight. Besides rarely working, suddenly stopping after heavy daily drinking can cause dangerous withdrawal, including seizures. Stopping should happen with medical guidance.
• Shaming and lecturing. Shame tends to drive more drinking, not less.
• Keeping the secret. Hiding the problem from everyone isolates you and protects the drinking.

Setting Boundaries

A boundary isn't a demand that someone else change. It's a decision about what you will do. For example:

• "I won't ride in the car if you've been drinking."
• "If you're drunk when you get home, I'll go to my sister's for the night."
• "I'm not going to call your work for you anymore."
• "I won't give you money, but I'll drive you to a meeting or an appointment any time."

Keep boundaries few, clear, and ones you're ready to keep. Say them calmly, ahead of time, and then follow through without a lecture.

Take Care of Yourself

Living with someone else's drinking can wear you down in ways you may not notice: poor sleep, anxiety, isolation, losing touch with friends, and constant vigilance. You deserve support whether or not your loved one ever gets sober.

• Al-Anon: free meetings for family and friends, in person, online, and by phone, at al-anon.org. Members share what has helped them, not advice on how to fix the drinker. Many people say Al-Anon changed their lives even when the drinking didn't stop.
• Alateen: part of Al-Anon, for teenagers affected by someone else's drinking.
• Counseling: a therapist who understands addiction can help you sort out what you want and how to get there.
• The basics: sleep, meals, exercise, and time with people who make you feel like yourself.

If There Are Children in the Home

Children notice far more than adults think. They often blame themselves. In simple, age-appropriate words, they need to hear that the drinking is not their fault, that it's a kind of sickness, and that they can talk about it with a safe adult. Keep routines as steady as you can, and never let them ride with someone who has been drinking. Alateen and school counselors can help older children.

When Your Loved One Gets Sober

Recovery brings relief, and sometimes surprising new challenges. Your loved one may spend a lot of time at meetings or on the phone with a sponsor. Old resentments may surface. Trust usually returns slowly, through months of steady behavior rather than promises.

• Let their recovery be theirs. You don't need to monitor their meetings or Step work.
• Keep going to your own support, too. Your healing matters as much as theirs.
• Expect ups and downs. Early sobriety can bring mood swings and poor sleep. See sleep and mood in early sobriety.
• If they relapse, it doesn't erase their progress. See what to do after a relapse.

When they reach Steps Eight and Nine, they may come to you to make amends. You're allowed to take your time and respond honestly. See making amends for what that process looks like from their side.

Common Questions