How to Find a Sponsor in AA

One of the first suggestions you'll hear in AA is "get a sponsor." It's said so often that it can start to sound like background noise. But for many people, finding a sponsor is the moment their recovery shifts from attending meetings to actually working a program.

This guide explains what a sponsor does, what to look for, how to ask, and what the relationship is usually like. If you're brand new, pair it with our guide to your first 90 days sober. A sponsor makes that stretch much easier.

What Is a Sponsor?

A sponsor is an AA member with some sobriety who has worked the Twelve Steps and is willing to guide a newer member, called a sponsee, through them. Sponsors aren't paid and aren't professionals. They're alcoholics sharing what worked for them.

Sponsorship comes straight out of Step Twelve, carrying the message to other alcoholics. Sponsors often say it helps their own sobriety as much as it helps their sponsees. The relationship works both ways.

What a sponsor usually does

• Takes you through the Twelve Steps, usually using the Big Book
• Is available by phone or text when things get hard
• Shares their own experience honestly, including their mistakes
• Helps you apply the program to real situations: work, family, money, relationships
• Suggests meetings, reading, and service
• Tells you the truth, kindly, even when you'd rather not hear it

What a sponsor isn't

A sponsor isn't a therapist, doctor, lawyer, banker, or parent. They won't lend you money, make decisions for you, or fix your problems. They also shouldn't be your only support. A healthy recovery includes a home group, other sober friends, and professional help when needed.

What to Look For

The most common advice in AA is to look for someone who has what you want. Not necessarily the funniest speaker or the person with the most years, but someone whose sobriety looks like something worth having: calm, honest, stable, still growing.

More specifically, many members suggest looking for someone who:

• Has worked all Twelve Steps with their own sponsor
• Has some solid sobriety, often at least a year
• Goes to meetings regularly and is active in service
• Talks honestly about both struggles and recovery when they share
• Has time to work with you
• Is someone you feel you could be completely honest with

Many groups suggest that sponsors and sponsees be the same gender, or more broadly that you choose someone you're not attracted to, so the relationship stays focused on recovery. LGBTQ members often apply this in whatever way keeps things clear and safe.

You don't have to like everything about a potential sponsor. You need to trust them and believe they have something to teach you.

Where to Find a Sponsor

• Your home group. The people you see every week are the most natural place to start. See types of AA meetings on choosing a home group.
• Listen when people share. Notice who talks about working the Steps and whose experience sounds like yours.
• Stay after meetings. The conversations after a meeting are where most sponsor relationships start.
• Ask who's available. Some groups ask people willing to sponsor to raise their hands. You can also simply ask someone, "Do you know anyone who might be able to sponsor me?"
• Online meetings. Many people find sponsors through online groups, especially in rural areas.

How to Ask

Many newcomers worry about this far more than they need to. Keep it simple. After a meeting, say something like: "I'm fairly new and I'm looking for a sponsor. Would you be willing to sponsor me?"

Most people are honored to be asked. If someone says no, it's almost always because they're already sponsoring several people or have a lot going on, not because of you. Ask someone else.

It's also common to ask someone to be a temporary sponsor while you get your footing. That's normal and accepted, and many temporary sponsors end up being long-term ones.

What to Expect Once You Have One

Every sponsor works a little differently. Common expectations include:

1. Regular contact. Many sponsors ask for a daily call or text early on, especially in the first months.
2. Step work. You'll meet regularly to read and work through the Steps together, often with written assignments.
3. Meetings and service. They may suggest a number of meetings each week and a service job at your home group.
4. Honesty both ways. The relationship only works if you tell them what's really going on, including the things you're embarrassed about.
5. Confidentiality. What you share with your sponsor stays between you.

When It Isn't Working

Sometimes a sponsor relationship isn't a good fit. Your sponsor may be too busy, you may not connect, or your needs may change. It's okay to change sponsors. You don't need a dramatic conversation. A simple, respectful "Thank you for everything; I've decided to work with someone else" is enough.

If a sponsor ever pressures you sexually, financially, or in any way that feels unsafe, end the relationship and talk to someone else you trust in the group. That isn't sponsorship.

Becoming a Sponsor Yourself

Eventually, many sponsees become sponsors. There's no official rule about when, but many people wait until they've worked all twelve Steps and have about a year of sobriety. Your own sponsor can help you decide when you're ready. Many members say sponsoring others is one of the best things that ever happened to their sobriety. See Steps 10, 11, and 12.

Common Questions