Resentment and Emotional Sobriety

Ask people in AA what most often leads members back to drinking, and many will give the same answer: resentment. The Big Book calls it the "number one" offender, saying it destroys more alcoholics than anything else. That's a strong claim, and anyone who has spent a few years in the rooms has probably seen why.

This article looks at what resentment is, why it's so dangerous for people in recovery, and what members actually do to let it go. It also looks at a related idea, emotional sobriety, which is about building a life that isn't constantly pushed around by our feelings.

What Resentment Is

The word comes from roots meaning "to feel again." That's a good description. Resentment isn't just anger in the moment. It's anger we replay: going back over what someone did, rehearsing what we should have said, feeling the hurt again and again.

Resentment can be aimed at people, like a parent, an ex, or a boss. It can be aimed at institutions, like the courts, a company, or a church. It can even be aimed at life itself, at how unfair things seem.

Some resentments are about real wrongs. People do hurt us. But resentment rarely fixes anything. It mostly hurts the person carrying it.

Why Resentment Is So Dangerous in Recovery

• It gives us a reason to drink. Resentment builds a story of being wronged, and that story can easily end with "I deserve a drink" or "Why bother?"
• It keeps us stuck in the past. Recovery happens today. Resentment keeps pulling us back into old events we can't change.
• It isolates us. Resentful people tend to withdraw, avoid meetings, and stop calling their sponsor, which are all common relapse warning signs.
• It wears us down. Constant anger is exhausting. It affects sleep, mood, and health, and makes cravings harder to resist.
• It blocks the spiritual side of recovery. It's hard to feel peace, gratitude, or connection while holding on to a grudge.

There's a saying in many meetings that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Most people who've carried a long resentment know how true that feels.

How AA Approaches Resentment

1. Write it down

The resentment inventory in Step Four is AA's main tool for dealing with old, deep resentments. You list who you resent, what happened, what it threatened in you, and, most importantly, your own part. Our guide to writing a Fourth Step inventory walks through the method.

2. Look for your part

This is the hardest and most freeing part. Finding our part doesn't excuse what someone else did. It simply gives us something we can work on. Often we find that our own fear, pride, expectations, or dishonesty played a role.

An important exception: if you were abused or victimized, you don't have to find your part in what was done to you. What you can look at is how the resentment affects your life now, and a sponsor or therapist can help.

3. Pray for the person

The Big Book suggests praying for the people we resent, and one of its personal stories describes praying every day for two weeks that a resented person would receive the same good things we want for ourselves. Many members find this ridiculous at first and then are surprised at how well it works. If prayer isn't part of your life, sincerely wishing them well, even through gritted teeth, can have a similar effect.

4. See them as sick, too

Another Big Book suggestion is to try to see the person who hurt us as someone who may be struggling in their own way, the way we would want others to see us when we were at our worst. It doesn't make what they did okay. It makes it easier to stop carrying it.

5. Catch new resentments early

Step Ten's daily inventory is where we catch new resentments before they take root. A quick question at night, "Am I holding anything against anyone today?", can save months of misery. See our guide to Steps 10, 11, and 12.

6. Talk about it

Resentments grow in silence. Saying them out loud to a sponsor or in a meeting often shrinks them, especially when someone gently points out what we can't see.

What Emotional Sobriety Means

Years after AA began, co-founder Bill W. wrote about a struggle with depression he faced even after long sobriety. He came to describe the next stage of recovery as emotional sobriety: growing up emotionally, so our peace no longer depends on other people and circumstances going our way.

In everyday terms, emotional sobriety looks like:

• Feeling anger, fear, or sadness without being taken over by them
• Pausing before reacting, and choosing a response
• Letting go of the need for everyone to approve of us
• Accepting what we can't control, and acting on what we can
• Recovering from a bad day without spiraling
• Asking for what we need, directly and honestly

Many people find that early sobriety is about not drinking, and later sobriety is about learning to live with their emotions. Both matter.

Practical Tools for Hard Moments

• The pause. When you feel anger rising, wait. Ten minutes, an hour, a night. Very few things need an instant reply.
• HALT. Ask whether you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Often the "big" problem shrinks after a meal or a nap.
• The Serenity Prayer. Sort the situation into what you can change and what you can't.
• Restraint of tongue and pen. Don't send the angry text or email. Write it, then don't send it.
• Move your body. A walk can burn off a surprising amount of anger.
• Gratitude. A short list of what's going right can loosen resentment's grip.
• Call someone. Before acting on anger, talk to someone who's not involved.

When to Get More Help

If anger feels out of control, or if resentment comes with depression, anxiety, or trauma that doesn't ease with time, working with a counselor or therapist can help a great deal. Many people combine AA with professional help, and there's no conflict between the two.

Common Questions