Making Amends: Steps 8 and 9 of AA

By the time people reach Steps Eight and Nine, they've done a lot of inner work. They've admitted the problem, become willing to accept help, written an honest inventory, shared it with another person, and started working on their defects. Now the focus turns outward, to the people we hurt along the way.

These Steps can bring up a lot of fear. They also bring some of the deepest relief in the whole program. The Big Book's well-known Promises, which describe a new freedom and an end to regret, appear right in the middle of its discussion of amends. See the Promises of AA for more on that.

Step Eight: Making the List

Step Eight has two parts: a list and willingness. Notice that it doesn't ask you to make any amends yet. It only asks you to be honest about who you harmed and to become willing.

Building the list

If you've done a Fourth Step inventory, much of your list is already there. Look at the people in your resentment and relationship inventories, and anyone you identified as harmed. Then widen the circle:

• Family: partners, children, parents, siblings
• Friends you let down, borrowed from, or drifted away from
• Work: employers, coworkers, clients, people who covered for you
• Money: anyone you owe, including businesses and institutions
• People harmed in less obvious ways: worry you caused, events you ruined, promises you broke
• Yourself, which many sponsors suggest including

Becoming willing

Most people find they're willing to approach some names and not others, especially people who also hurt them. That's normal. A useful approach is to sort the list into three groups: amends you're ready to make now, amends you might make eventually, and amends you can't imagine making. Then talk to your sponsor about that last group. Willingness tends to grow as you work on the others.

When a resentment is blocking willingness, many members pray for the person they resent, or simply ask for the willingness to be willing. It sounds small. People are often surprised at how well it works over time.

Step Nine: Making Direct Amends

What an amends is

An amends is more than an apology. Many of us apologized constantly while drinking, then did the same thing again. An amends means:

1. Naming specifically what you did, without excuses or explanations
2. Taking responsibility for it
3. Asking whether there's anything you can do to set it right
4. Changing the behavior, so it doesn't keep happening

A simple version might sound like: "When I was drinking, I missed your graduation and lied about why. That was wrong, and I know it hurt you. I'm sober now and working to change. Is there anything I can do to make it right?" Then listen.

Kinds of amends

"Except When to Do So Would Injure Them or Others"

This exception is crucial, and it's one of the main reasons to work these Steps with a sponsor. An amends should never cause new harm. Some examples sponsors often discuss:

• Confessing an affair a partner never knew about may ease your guilt while deeply hurting them. Talk it through carefully first.
• Admitting to something at work or in court can affect your job, your freedom, or your family. Get guidance, and in legal matters, get legal advice.
• Reaching out to someone who has asked for no contact, or who you harmed through abuse, may be the opposite of an amends. Respecting their wishes may be the amends.
• Naming other people involved in something you did can harm them. Keep the focus on your own conduct.

The test is whether the amends serves the person you harmed, or mainly serves your need for relief. Your sponsor can help you tell the difference.

How to Prepare for an Amends

1. Review it with your sponsor, including what you'll say and why.
2. Write down the key points so nerves don't take over.
3. Choose a good time and place. Ask the person if they'd be willing to talk, rather than surprising them.
4. Pray, meditate, or take a quiet moment beforehand, in whatever way works for you.
5. Call someone before and after. Many people call their sponsor in the car on the way in and on the way out.

When It Doesn't Go as Planned

Most amends go better than people expect. Some don't. The other person may be angry, dismissive, or uninterested. They may bring up things you didn't know about. They may not forgive you.

Your job is to do your part honestly. Their response is theirs. If someone reacts with anger, listen without defending yourself. If they bring up more harm, take responsibility for that too. Then let it go, and talk it over with your sponsor. An amends counts even when it isn't received well.

Pacing Yourself

Step Nine isn't a race, and it isn't something you finish in a weekend. Some amends take years, especially financial ones. What matters is steady progress and continued willingness. Many members keep their list and come back to it over time as circumstances change or new names come to mind.

After Step Nine, Step Ten keeps the slate clean by handling new harms as they happen, so they never pile up again. Our guide to Steps 10, 11, and 12 explains how.

Common Questions